I had planned to write an article about parents – children relationships and share a testimony of Divine intervention. I then felt an inner urge to instead write an overview of the importance and relevance of Relationships in general. Please read Ephesians 5: 22 – 33 and Ephesians 6: 1 – 9.
In the Scripture references above Apostle Paul mentions three basic types of relationships namely: Wives and Husbands, Children and Parents, and Slaves and Masters. In real life we can expand the list of relationship types to include among others – relationships between friends, biological brothers and sisters, other blood relatives, work colleagues, members of social clubs, political leaders and the population they lead, spiritual leaders and their congregations collectively, as well as their relationships with the individual members, and the relationships among members of the congregation, etc. We could also add our personal relationships with the Spirit world – good or evil.
Complexities of Relationships.
I want to demonstrate how complex relationships can be by referring to my own immediate family – the Jawino family. We are only five of us – Me, My wife Ann, and Moses, Esther and Mercy- Grace our three children. I worked out and concluded there are at least 25 different relationships among just the five of us. Yes, it’s true. I do have a relationship with my wife, with Moses, with Esther, and with Mercy Grace. Each of them also has a personal relationship with the other four – that makes twenty. In addition, each of us have a relationship collectively with the other four. That brings a total of the relationships we have to keep an eye on as family to 25. This will soon get even more complex as my son has just got married adding a sixth member to the Jawino family. Now compare the relationships within my small family added on to the ones each of us are connected with to other people or organisations outside our family. I have not included my own relationships with my two brothers and sister, and all my other step brothers and sisters. Try to do a similar exercise with your own family in mind.
How Relationships affect us.
Relationships is usually hard work. Every relationship is like marriage. There are mutual interests involving giving and taking and clearly defined boundaries. Emotions are always involved hence the need for self-awareness to minimise or avoid negative consequences. Ultimately it seems that most of our actions or reactions to others is influenced by results of our earlier relationships. An example is when somebody comes home from work and they are irritable towards family members simply because they had a bad day in the work place. Or a parent scolds a child because of an earlier quarrel or misunderstanding with the partner.
In every relationship usually one party is stronger or more powerful or is the leader – a type of senior partner in a business. That means it’s important to recognise authority as in the case of Husband and wife, parents and children, or employer and workers, or political leader and the people. In each case God’s word encourages love and submissiveness but also clearly discourages authoritarianism. In fact, regarding political leaders one would say they are our ‘political parents’ and they have the prerogative to be good parents to us the voters – their ‘political children’. In the Bible in 2 Chronicles Chapter 29:11 King Hezekiah who had just ascended the throne aged 25 refers to the people older than him as: “My sons”. In fact any political or military leader who intimidates, brutalizes or murders his people is like an evil father not operating in the will or perimeters of God.
Toxic Relationships.
Dr. Lillian Glass, a Californian based communication and psychology expert in her 1995 book – Toxic People, defines a toxic relationship as: “Any relationship between people who don’t support each other, where there’s conflict, and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness.” She adds that: ” While every relationship goes through ups and downs, a toxic relationship is consistently unpleasant and draining for the people in it, to the point that negative no one wants outweigh and outnumber the positive ones.”
Toxic Relationships can result from several situations – marriage, divorce, fallouts with close relatives including parents or children and friends. You may even think that you are after all now separated from people who hurt you and therefore you should be happy. In a sense the relationship has continued below the surface and that is why you continue to feel hurt and emotionally drained – even though you thought you or the other person had moved on. Personality types may affect or influence the way we relate with others. Toxic relationships could also include dealings with negative supernatural beings including involvement with the occult, witchcraft or religious cults. It would also result from some kind of continued relationship with the dead following bereavement. Some people remain traumatised for a long time by losses of close loved ones. This may affect how they relate with others around them especially other family members or even work colleagues. Some people lose the will to live following the death of others.
Effective Relationship Management.
Relationships are like living organisms which need special attention just like a human being who needs to see a Physician, or a plant which needs watering or pruning to bear much fruit. Yes, it might require cutting off toxic people out of your life or adding some who would add value to you. Some toxic relationships are entered into, and sustained by manipulation, deception, coercion and taking advantage of one party’s vulnerability.
The best position to be in is to have a deep genuine relationship with God through our Saviour Jesus Christ. Every relationship is unique and complex. Unique just like finger prints. Psychologists, sociologists, all therapists and professional counsellors while doing great jobs are limited in their ability to identify the exact missing links in each relationship’s jigsaw puzzle.
This is where you need the Divine help of the Master Therapist and Counsellor – the Blessed Holy Spirit. Yes only God – the Master Designer can help us. God created man and made him RELATIONAL. Man’s original relationship was with God the Creator Himself. It makes sense to trust in God to help us relate effectively with others. Hence the need to apply God’s method of prayer, intercession and spiritual warfare.
Need to confess and apply God’s word.
We need to do what our Lord did when faced with temptations – He told Satan – IT IS WRITTEN. Every time you face a relationship challenge remember to encourage yourself with God’s word which express His fond thoughts towards you.
When you feel that a relationship has robbed you of joy and peace remember:
“The joy of the Lord is my strength”.
Nehemiah 8:10
“Always be full of joy in the Lord: I say it again – rejoice”.
Philippians 4:4
“I give you peace, the kind of peace only I can give. It isn’t like the peace this world gives you. So don’t be worried or afraid”.
John 14:27
If you feel abandoned, rejected or unloved remember:
“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will never leave you or forsake you…. Do not be afraid or dismayed”.
Deuteronomy 31:6-8
If you feel you have lost direction in life and feel rather dis-empowered remember:
“I am the way, the truth and the life…”
John 14:6
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”.
Philippians 4:13
And finally, sometimes relationships can leave you wounded and shattered. If that is you remember:
“…. I am the Lord your healer”.
Exodus 15:26
In concluding:
I have written this article not from the point of view of a relationship expert – I am not one. Rather I have simply shared from my heart.
I am aware that toxic relationships can result into very serious outcomes including even mental illnesses which may require professional intervention. By all means do not deny yourself or those in your care good and tested professional advice if it is recommended. Remember though that God is the initiator of Relationships and He is our Ultimate Helper when we struggle through our relationships. So, pray for His guidance even when you have to see a professional. On the other hand, good and healthy relationships can be very rewarding to the individual and the people or organisations they interact with. A truly healthy relationship with God can make this possible as we depend on Him for guidance. Please I encourage you to do more research on Relationships so you can also help others.
God Bless You.
